The awkwardness thread

[colin]

My girlfriend and I broke up yesterday, which I think I'm ok with as we haven't been getting along well for a couple of months now. Thing is, she isn't moving out for another day or two. So right now she's in the bedroom watching terrible tv shows on her laptop (I hear babies, so I'm assuming Teen Mom) while I'm in the living room getting drunk by myself.

So I was thinking of asking for advice on what to do to make things less awkward, but that would be lame. To be honest, I'm kind of enjoying this, so what should I do to make things as awkward and hilarious as possible?

Oh and don't worry, I'm keeping the cat. The thing hates her anyways.

[bigchiefbc]

Walk around in tighty whiteys. Stained if possible.

Take a shit with the door open

Join her in the living room and watch some really hideous porn.

[SPACERITUAL]

Walk around in tighty whiteys. Stained if possible.

Take a shit with the door open

Join her in the living room and watch some really hideous porn.

Skidmarks are the key. Also fart really loudly when shes in the room. Preferrably in reference to you asking her "HEY GUESS WHAT??"

[dubkitty]

talk with your friends on the phone about breaking up with her while she's in the apartment. be insensitive and tasteless while so doing.

cook foods that she hates.

are there any bands you love that she ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND? you know what to do.

[colin]

Walk around in tighty whiteys. Stained if possible.

Take a shit with the door open

Join her in the living room and watch some really hideous porn.

Skidmarks are the key. Also fart really loudly when shes in the room. Preferrably in reference to you asking her "HEY GUESS WHAT??"

Wait, does this mean that I SHOULDN"T have been farting really loudly in her presence the whole time we were together? Well a guess that explains a lot...

are there any bands you love that she ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND? you know what to do.

Uh, all the bands I listen to? Seriously, she hates EVERY band I like.

[snipelfritz]

Uh, it seems obvious to me. Go to some bar, pick up some trashy, drunk slut, bring her back to your place, and wake up your ex because you "...need the bed for some pounding."

[SPACERITUAL]

Uh, it seems obvious to me. Go to some bar, pick up some trashy, drunk slut, bring her back to your place, and wake up your ex because you "...need the bed for some pounding."

There should be a nobel prize for most useful answer. Snips would win win wiiiiin.

[colin]

Obviously Snip's suggestion is the pinnacle of what I could do in this situation. But I guess I'm just a sentimental pussy, I don't feel any great need to hurt her, maybe just irritate a little. Also, it's thursday night, I doubt there's much on offer at my local bar.

[snipelfritz]

Thirsty Thursday brah!

I think the most awkward thing is just needing to communicate with each other in that kind of situation. If there's some way you can make it so SHE has to leave the room and talk to you for some reason (and I'm talking about something ideally both mundane as shit and unrelated to anything else going on) that would be a good way to mess with her without it seeming like you're doing anything. If awkward is what you want, I think an ideal situation would be as much forced, mundane contact as possible would be a great plan and irritation will just come by proxy.

[phantasmagorovich]

Awkward?

Try to get into her panties for a goodbye or something.

Cry.

Cut your hair, buy new clothes, or do whatever else it is that generally means you are making an effort to get over it. Be really cheerful about it. Only works if you're not meaning it.

Stop eating.

Go through bills meticulously and ask money off her. Offering her money to get out quicker might also lead to lolful situations.

[DarkAxel]

There's been sooo much really funny advice... i'd blast of some really cool music really loud, cook some delicious unhealthy ungodly meal, get drunk and be naked all the time... or almost naked... if she complains, remind her of how to exit the apartment and never come back again

i think she's trolling you and doing the same thing though... staying there after breaking up? seems really stupid to me

[DarkAxel]

FUCK YES, THAT'S THE LAST STEP I MISSED

[colin]

Build a pillow fort in your kitchen.

YES! DOING THIS NOW!

[colin]

Awkward?

Try to get into her panties for a goodbye or something.

Cry.

Cut your hair, buy new clothes, or do whatever else it is that generally means you are making an effort to get over it. Be really cheerful about it. Only works if you're not meaning it.

Stop eating.

Go through bills meticulously and ask money off her. Offering her money to get out quicker might also lead to lolful situations.

I offered her sex last time she left the bedroom, she pretended to not be able to hear me.

Seriously, I actually am being very cheerful about it, I'm 100% ok with this breakup. The only thing that's going to really suck about it is all the shit I'm going to have to buy, we've been using her bed, her pots and pans, her microwave etc. and I just don't own most of that shit. Oh and I guess I'm probably not going to be able to keep my uninsured truck at her parents' place any more. And my rent will effectively double, so I guess I won't be buying any gear for a while.

She actually offered to give me money for rent for her share of rent for the next month or so, but I don't plan on accepting. It's really not an acrimonious breakup, we simply don't get along well any more.

Damnit I am going to have to cut my hair and shave though, aren't I?

[dubkitty]

not for a couple of days, apparently