DR. S. RITUAL ROMANTIC ADVICE COLUMNNMN

[SPACERITUAL]

Are you having problems with your genitalia? Cant quite get them to work with others the way you want them to? Is she not letting you put it in? Or maybe shes letting you put it in, but just not quite where you would prefer to put it? Is your relationship stale and in need of some fresh perspective? Do you think you may potentially be interested in a same sex rendezvous? Are same sex rendezvous not as exciting as they used to be? Are you trying to hint at the fact that youd like your significant other to urinate on your junk and flick stoges on your nips????

Well fear not fuzzy friends, Dr. S. Ritual Is here to answer all your romantic queries. From big to small, front to back, or in to out I am self certified to advise upon any romantic entanglement.

[delaydecay]

how do i shoot massive amounts of jizz? i want to be better than peter north.

[Achtane]

DOCTOR RITUAL HOW DO I FIND A GIRL WHO IS INTO SHIBARI

[SPACERITUAL]

how do i shoot massive amounts of jizz? i want to be better than peter north.

Stop jerking off so much. Also when youre about to cum, kinda make a cockring with your fingers at the base of your shaft, it was hold your nut in and youll cum longer. I wouldnt recommend doing this for anywhere over 30 secs though. One time i was in this girls house after wed gone on a date and she jerked me off on the couch while her mom was sleeping in the other room. Anyway i kept wondering what she was going to do when i came....i mean she was REALLY GOOD at handjobs she remembered to lick her hand and not ply with the head too much and she talked to me and asked me how i wanted it which is really advanced for a girl but still sounded slutty at the same time. Well when i came she didnt even go down on me or anything, so it shot allover her and got on my black tshirt. She was like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT and i was confounded as to her inquiry but when she explained it it turned out that she had only ever gotten sexual with one guy before, and that he had just dribbled everywhere when he came. I guess some guys naturally shoot and some guys dribble. Its kind of like the nba.

DOCTOR RITUAL HOW DO I FIND A GIRL WHO IS INTO SHIBARI

In my experience girls baselessly dislike chinese food because they assume its all unsanitary and disgusting like at a buffet. Youre going to have to take her to an upscale place and tell her its "fusion" (not pf changs because thats neither upscale nor is it chinese food, its like the olive garden), women are stupid and anything that sounds modern will be accepted unquestioningly in hopes that theyll have something to lord over their friends or at least maybe the cool people juuuust outside of their social circle will see them eating there or coming out of there and somehow that will lead to being able to have gaudy hideous shoes and purses.

[leastwise]

Hi Dr. Ritual. Long-time listener, first-time caller here.

I was in a very serious relationship that ended a while back (longer than I'd like to admit) and I've had a bit of trouble connecting with the ladies since then. It seems I can't get myself to shake the memory of my ex, and I feel hesitant to start anything else because I keep wondering if they'll be like her. Any advice on how to shake that nasty habit? How can I get past this early trepidation and learn to feel comfortable with new girls again?

[theavondon]

How many handjobs is TOO many handjobs?

Also, do you know my real dad?

[snipelfritz]

Oh Baby! I've waited for this day. Now I don't have to get advice from drunk homeless people anymore, or maybe i still am.

Question 1: Why is "The Ladies Man" such an underrated movie?

Question 2: Why haven't we had sex yet?

Question 3: How do I shave my nuts? (this is actually something I've had trouble with)

[unownunown]

DOCTOR RITUAL HOW DO I FIND A GIRL WHO IS INTO SHIBARI

In my experience girls baselessly dislike chinese food because they assume its all unsanitary and disgusting like at a buffet. Youre going to have to take her to an upscale place and tell her its "fusion" (not pf changs because thats neither upscale nor is it chinese food, its like the olive garden), women are stupid and anything that sounds modern will be accepted unquestioningly in hopes that theyll have something to lord over their friends or at least maybe the cool people juuuust outside of their social circle will see them eating there or coming out of there and somehow that will lead to being able to have gaudy hideous shoes and purses.

shibari is fancy japonaize bondage yo. hilariously enough, in japan it refers pretty much mainly to nicely wrapping up presents and such.

[SPACERITUAL]

Hi Dr. Ritual. Long-time listener, first-time caller here.

I was in a very serious relationship that ended a while back (longer than I'd like to admit) and I've had a bit of trouble connecting with the ladies since then. It seems I can't get myself to shake the memory of my ex, and I feel hesitant to start anything else because I keep wondering if they'll be like her. Any advice on how to shake that nasty habit? How can I get past this early trepidation and learn to feel comfortable with new girls again?

It sounds like you may be treating all of your female interactions as potential relationships. This can be dangerous as one can develop a dependence on being in a relationship. This is bad as humans honestly arent intended to mate for life and the relationship dependent can often find themselves alone as they tend to build unrealistic expectations based on the prospective girlfriend/boyfriends potential as a long term mate. It sounds like youre experiencing something similar. Try not to approach everything as a potential long term relationship....or as a relationship period. Maybe dont even approach it at all...why not let them come to you, which puts you in a position of power? If youre the one controlling the interaction the chance of her going turbobitch like your ex and ripping your heart out is negated as shes constantly trying to win your approval. Always remember you dont owe her a fucking thing, and that your ex was a total bitch and it was a poisonous situation, but one you can pull out of any time (literally) you wish.

How many handjobs is TOO many handjobs?

Also, do you know my real dad?

Back in 9th grade i had this girlfriend that absolutely refused to actually have sex until she could "trust me" however she was a total freak so i found myself paging her daily (and vice versa)at school for handjobs. after school wed go to her friends house where....surprise...shed give me a handjob. On the weekends wed go to the movies where id get a handjob. sometimes wed both get to school early so wed go over in the woods and she gave me a handjob. Basically i was getting jacked off more than id normally jack myself off. The problem with this is that girls, and expecially girls at that age, are generally totally ignorant of the male cock. Everyone knows what im talking about...rough, jerky, DRY.....well one day she was jerking me off by the football field and something just ripped on the side of my dick man it hurt so fucking bad. The skin just couldnt take it anymore and had like cracked or something. Kindof like doctors hands cause they wash them all the time and they get real dry. So generally i advise that you just go ahead and fuck her instead. Yeah you can get chafed buuuuuut its a moist environment so your dick isnt going to get all dried out and shit.

I told you we were only cellmates for that one week before he was transferred upstate.

Oh Baby! I've waited for this day. Now I don't have to get advice from drunk homeless people anymore, or maybe i still am.

Question 1: Why is "The Ladies Man" such an underrated movie?

Question 2: Why haven't we had sex yet?

Question 3: How do I shave my nuts? (this is actually something I've had trouble with)

Q1: Why is isis considered a "good" band? Why did people respect that shrinebuilder band even though they sold tshirts before they put a single song up for people to hear???

Q2: You cant afford it.

Q3: You can either use that NAIR shit or youre going to have to stretch the sack so you can get the individual hairs without cutting yourself where it wrinkles.

[Christopher]

How do i bang older chicks (23-30) even though i look like i'm 16 / live with my parents?

same question except I want jailbait instead of oldies

[SPACERITUAL]

How do i bang older chicks (23-30) even though i look like i'm 16 / live with my parents?

I have no idea. Ive honestly never in my life had the desire to fuck anyone older than i am.

same question except I want jailbait instead of oldies

As long as you have a car you shouldnt have a problem.

[Achtane]

DOCTOR RITUAL

WAT DO WHEN EVERYONE IS HAVING SEX TONIGHT EXCEPT FOR YOU
AND BY YOU I MEAN ME

[SPACERITUAL]

DOCTOR RITUAL

WAT DO WHEN EVERYONE IS HAVING SEX TONIGHT EXCEPT FOR YOU
AND BY YOU I MEAN ME

Phonebook
Facebook
Myspace
Friends House
Walmart
Dennys
Waffle House



in that order. If you cant get laid with these easy to follow steps your prob.

[Gearmond]

HOW DO I GET HER TO LET ME STICK IT IN HER

[SPACERITUAL]

HOW DO I GET HER TO LET ME STICK IT IN HER

Front or back?