The Cute Barristas thread

[goroth]

Yeah, here you go, creepy knows no sexual preference:

[Iommic Pope]

I hear you. We have the same dating culture here, so it's not like only psychos ask random people out on dates. All I'm saying is that there are other arenas that are better suited for such proposals than a random person's workplace.

Just to be clear, I'm not a fan of online dating apps/websites either. The last paper I wrote at university this semester was actually a critique of online dating. I recommend reading "In Praise of Love" by Alaine Badiou if you find the topic interesting. Great short read!

I will put that on my list.
Ah, but: if you ask a person you see in a work context out in a non-work context/arena, doesn't that then get stalkery?

Side not, not unrelated: Basically, all the married people I've consulted with are arguing, if you see someone and you want to have a crack at them, then you should just put your heart on the line and go for it. How else do you meet people?
So maybe this is why you singletons are all single?
Exceptions for those of you that have dedicated yourselves to single life.

KFK would ask you out for an ice cream sundae.

[christianatl]

y'all mahfahkas creppy af

[kaeth]

Why not just pay them a not-sexual-harassment kind of compliment. Then you showed interest, and the ball is in their court to reciprocate, free of obligation. If they don't, then at least maybe you made their day a little nicer.

[Iommic Pope]

If I were a regular, feeling the situation out, sure.
But what if it isn't your regular side of town and you know you won't be back over there for a long time, you've seen this person and you are genuinely interested?
When did asking someone out become sexual harassment anyway?
If you were to, as UC suggested, then complain or attempt to make life difficult for someone after they knocked you back or continued to make unwanted advances then yeah, that's harassment, but just asking someone on a whim?

How did you guys who are calling creepy on asking out someone you see as attractive get on dates with your current partners?
Or do you all date friends/people you work with and wait for the friendship to fall apart and get ready to quit work?

[kaeth]

If it's that important to you, go out of your way.

It's not so much about being harassed. It's the fact that while they are at work, their behavior is limited by their position of employment. Their free-will to say "no thanks" is restricted. They may be afraid to seem rude in front of a customer, or their supervisor. They may be literally starving, and desperate for tips because those jobs don't always pay well. For whatever their personal reasons, they may feel cornered while at work, and whether intentional or not, taking advantage of that fact may come off as coercion.

[backwardsvoyager]

i can't help but feel like there's a lot of generalization going on here.
like, personally i would consider Pope's approach acceptable in certain situations where you might have actually had some kind of non-obligatory conversation with someone that felt meaningful in some way.
but if we're just talking physical attraction, or they've been particularly nice to you, i don't feel like that makes it appropriate. people are dense sometimes though; i've been guilty of that at times.
i would never ask someone out before actually getting to know them as well as possible, personally. i find these things seem unnecessarily hasty, to the point where it seems kind of sketchy.
overall i feel like the outcome of the thread now is a lot more interesting and acceptable than the initial intention

[Iommic Pope]

I just did some internetting and found a bunch of responses from (specifically) female people employed in service positions who said, for the reasons you stated, it made things a no go, but also, much to my disturbance, they found dealing with that sort of thing intimidating.
I hadn't considered that, mostly I guess because maybe if someone had done that to me when I was working those sort of jobs a polite "no" would have sufficed and I wouldn't have thought to take it any further, but it sort of makes me dread that the perception of guys is so awful that you're judged immediately on sight as being "rapey".
There were still a few last bastions flying the flag of "fuck it, you'll regret it if you don't try, their loss" but the notion that we have a culture wherein a simple gesture of expressing a liking for someone is rebutted with "you are trying to harm me" is somewhat unsettling.
Don't get me wrong, everyone should feel safe, but do we have to assume the worst out of everyone we meet?
I guess some bad eggs have spoiled that and put some heads in freezers....
I feel bummed though.
It seems like chance encounters are a thing of the past nowadays.
I mean we get one crack at this life and it seems a shame that people might miss the chance to get to know someone, have a blast with them, share some time and maybe fall in love.
Basic physical attraction is a huge part in that.



For the record I met my wife on the bus after asking her friend at random if she wanted to play bass in our band.
We've been together 16 years.
My grandfather met my grandmother when she was an usher at a movie theatre in town.
They had their 60th anniversary last year.
So yes, these sorts of things do work and don't have to be creepy.

Good luck finding love, peeps.

[Iommic Pope]

i can't help but feel like there's a lot of generalization going on here.
like, personally i would consider Pope's approach acceptable in certain situations where you might have actually had some kind of non-obligatory conversation with someone that felt meaningful in some way.
but if we're just talking physical attraction, or they've been particularly nice to you, i don't feel like that makes it appropriate. people are dense sometimes though; i've been guilty of that at times.
i would never ask someone out before actually getting to know them as well as possible, personally. i find these things seem unnecessarily hasty, to the point where it seems kind of sketchy.
overall i feel like the outcome of the thread now is a lot more interesting and acceptable than the initial intention

Yeah, if you've got a meaningful interaction, yeah there's a stronger chance of something there.
My point with the one off not really knowing something thing is more about taking a big gamble that might turn out great.
Admittedly it takes some big balls (and apparantly a lot less brains than I'd initially thought) but maybe because I'm not a nutcase I'd never considered that the simple act of attraction would be enough to make someone feel unsafe.
Having said that, I don't feel the need to fuck everyone I find attractive, nor do I try to.
Tracks Fimmel is sexy as hell.
Would not go there.

Also, never assume any thread I make is about the actual thing stated.
I was initially trolling for butthurt, only to manic it into a notion that life presents us with these little packages of beauty sometimes, such as a lovely person making you a great coffee, and we should take some time out to recognise how rad that is in an otherwise endless sea of shit.
But now it seems that I feel really sad for the state of modern romanticism, that the old "give it a go" approach is going dinosaur-side.

[Iommic Pope]

Addendum: the perception of advances as being an intimidating act seemed to be mostly a hetero female perception.
I'd love to hear more about that if you're a lady and you've felt that way.
Likewise the perceptions of these sorts of dynamics from people of other sexual persuasions would be grossly enlightening here.

[Iommic Pope]

Addendum II: I forgot to note that perception of cuteness does not necessarily have to indicate level of physical/sexual attraction.
Chank got that when he mentioned his friend Jen, whom he finds cute in a merely plutonic way, because she is rad.
Also it's such a subjective thing.

This has become a much more interesting thread exploring our fears about what is an acceptable way to express ourselves to others though.
Now, do we feel this way because there's a social stigma around these things or because these outcomes are the worst possible scenario, so we justify inaction by the potential for harm to the self?

[kaeth]

In most cases, I would imagine that it's really not a big deal. But in some cases it is, and if you don't know, the question becomes which side is best to err on. You could be the 10th person to ask them out that day, and you'd have no idea whether its been hard for them to deal with those encounters while just trying to do their job.

I only really have input because I've been racking my brain about this lately as well. And I do see the perspective of being bummed about a missed opportunity. I think if you're not comfortable with just letting it go, and hoping to run into them outside of work, engage them in a way that is least intrusive, and gives them the most autonomy. "I find you very gracious and striking. Here's my contact info. Feel free to be in touch." Then back off for a while, and see what happens. I think that's a more reasonable thing to do than putting them on the spot.

[Iommic Pope]

That is slick.
And obviously, be classy when hitting someone up.

[Eivind August]

This is interesting. I think we're a pretty repressed society. The thought that sex is somehow something bad/filthy is still lingering, and it becomes pretty problematic to acknowledge that someone is attractive without coming of as "rapey" (which is a terrible word. Your persona is identified with your ability/will to have unconsensual sex?). The fact that one does not know each other obviously means that one should thread lightly, but that many tend to assume the worst is not a good sign of where we're headed. Maybe.

Anyway, I'm a sorta extrovert person in most respects, but when it comes to romance I turn into a fumbling Hugh Grant monstrosity. So, if I noticed a cute barrista, I would probably become a regular, building a base relationship over time until the point where it would feel natural to ask the girl out. But would that be "stalky"?

[Iommic Pope]

And therein lies the rub.
At what point does it become stalkey?