Moderator: Ghost Hip
BitchPudding wrote:Well, this year has been a time.
I wont get into detail describing the parade of bullshit and unfortunate circumstances that have bared their fangs at me, but needless to say with the death of my dog, my grandmothers declining health and the stress of trying to be all smiles for my newborn daughter and FAILING has beat me face first into the dirt Yamcha style.
But really, my biggest struggle at the moment is drug use.
I started smoking weed pretty regularly pre pandemic, which during the pandemic has escalated into constant use every day for the past, shit must be at least a year, but it's hard to keep track at this point. Feels like I've been high the entire pandemic except for when my daughter was born.
Initially, I was getting high for the same reasons I imagine most people do. Its fun, takes some of the stress of my day away, and when you have bad mental health issues anything that takes you away from those feelings feels like a saving grace. And for a while, it worked even. But once the pandemic happened and various shitty things in my life followed, I smoked constantly. To run. I wanted to run away desperately from the feelings im struggling with, but in doing so I've trapped my brain in an endless loop of get high, go to work, come home, get high, sleep. Not to mention whats its done to my musicality and productivity. My studio has become less of a studio and more of just a straight up drug den.
I cant keep going on like this, and I wont. Weed is fine for some and I dont judge anyone for smoking but for me the dependency is slowly killing who I am. I dont need drugs to do the things I do or be the person I am. Im tired of using weed as a crutch when I need to face my problems to heal. I miss playing music because it made me feel something. I miss being able to have conversations with people without awkwardly dropping sentences. I miss feeling the bliss I used to feel from living my life without being drugged the fuck out all the time.
Maybe one day I'll be able to partake in the sweet leaf casually again, but for now, I need to be sober. I don't really have a support system for this outside my wife, and I'm not sure if we have a thread for sobriety check ins, but I'll check in here periodically and in the happy thread if things go well. These next few days are probably gonna be hell while my brain resets, but it'll be worth it to get the old me back.
I love you all, I miss you all. Wish me luck.
friendship wrote:
I support you! Withdrawal not be as hellish as you fear, though you'll have some fucked up dreams for the next couple days. Soon you'll be sleeping better and maybe even having more energy. And you'll be able to be more present with Victoria. But don't beat yourself up for having relied on it these past couple of years. You did your best to get through a hard time, and now you've noticed this coping method isn't working for you anymore. Onward and upward my friend
ummohyeah wrote:Godspeed rule and no amount of tape would make their pedalboards safe from my cum.
BitchPudding wrote:friendship wrote:
I support you! Withdrawal not be as hellish as you fear, though you'll have some fucked up dreams for the next couple days. Soon you'll be sleeping better and maybe even having more energy. And you'll be able to be more present with Victoria. But don't beat yourself up for having relied on it these past couple of years. You did your best to get through a hard time, and now you've noticed this coping method isn't working for you anymore. Onward and upward my friend
Thank you man. its harder today than yesterday, im bouncing back and forth between im ok and fucking sobbing, but I also went for a run this morning. Hopefully the first in a new daily occurrence. Its a journey right?
Blackened Soul wrote::idk: without knowing your whole situation… and my answer would end up in a tirade along the lines of fuck the normies so I’ll skip it
K2000 wrote:I’ve started to believe that there’s nothing wrong with using a crutch if it helps you to keep walking. If you feel like you’ve outgrown it, I can understand wanting to let it go. If you realize later that you can still benefit from cannabis, please don’t get down on yourself about using it.
friendship wrote:My therapist has managed to get me to give up on music as anything but an occasional dalliance whereas it was for decades my raison d'etre. He also helped me realize that the fight to rise above mental illness is itself a cause of my suffering. He's considered these to be really positive breakthroughs, but I'm struggling to understand how giving up a cherished creative outlet and all hope of being well are positive developments.
ummohyeah wrote:Godspeed rule and no amount of tape would make their pedalboards safe from my cum.
friendship wrote:okay he talked me down from my nihilistic death spiral. Really, he just doesn't want me to add the burden of frustration about not being well and the frustration about not fulfilling my self-created artistic expectations to the other burdens I'm dealing with. IOW, as valid as it is to rage against those things right now, it isn't doing me any favors.
BitchPudding wrote:I talked to my wife for a while about it, and decided to simply cut back a little instead of going cold turkey for the sake of my mental health. She offered to be a person I can check in with if I feel like I might be overdoing it, which has helped. I'm currently back down to sublime rules, two joints a day max, which has helped a bunch with my tolerance levels and my general feeling of disconnect I had before. I feel sharp again, and have a sudden burst of inspiration to finish an EP i've been sitting on.
I think my wanting to go cold turkey stemmed from panic. I have really bad anxiety which I was treating with a combo of therapy and weed, but without therapy thanks to the panini the balance was thrown and i spiraled into constant daily use. It can definitely help with the problems I have, but I still need to confront and face my trauma in a healthy way. Im working on it. But point being im ok right now. Maybe not sober, but not completely off the wagon like I used to be.
On a different note, I think I had my first experience with a bad show last night.
ummohyeah wrote:Godspeed rule and no amount of tape would make their pedalboards safe from my cum.
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