Marriage

[oscillateur]

I like weddings but doubt I'll ever get married as the thought of having to maintain a relationship like that fills me to the brim with anxiety.

Well, the point is that it shouldn't make you anxious or worried. If it does or if you have doubts, then you should not do it. Getting married can be a sort of consolidation of a relationship but it shoud definitely not be a foundation for it...

[bigchiefbc]

I'm 27 and the thought of marriage feels WAY out there in the future for me, if it happens. I feel bad for single people who want kids. Much more pressure to settle down sooner rather than later. But I don't want kids, so I don't have to worry about that.

That's totally fair, everyone's different. I was sick of the "single" scene by the time I was 24 or so, I was sick of dating, hookups, drama, etc. I met a girl who felt the same way and we moved in together a few months later. We put off having a kid until we had enough money to buy a house and do the suburban thing. But I always wanted to have a kid, even back when I was a kid myself. It's definitely not for everyone, and it's something you have to know about yourself deep down. Some people weren't meant to be parents, and there's nothing wrong with that, except when someone like that lies to themselves and has a kid (like my wife's mother, who was never cut out to be a parent)

I like weddings but doubt I'll ever get married as the thought of having to maintain a relationship like that fills me to the brim with anxiety.

You don't even think about marriage unless you're with someone who doesn't make you feel that anxiety. "Maintaining a relationship" shouldn't be something that feels like work. If it does, you're with the wrong person.

[Jwar]

I'm 27 and the thought of marriage feels WAY out there in the future for me, if it happens. I feel bad for single people who want kids. Much more pressure to settle down sooner rather than later. But I don't want kids, so I don't have to worry about that.

That's totally fair, everyone's different. I was sick of the "single" scene by the time I was 24 or so, I was sick of dating, hookups, drama, etc. I met a girl who felt the same way and we moved in together a few months later. We put off having a kid until we had enough money to buy a house and do the suburban thing. But I always wanted to have a kid, even back when I was a kid myself. It's definitely not for everyone, and it's something you have to know about yourself deep down. Some people weren't meant to be parents, and there's nothing wrong with that, except when someone like that lies to themselves and has a kid (like my wife's mother, who was never cut out to be a parent)

I like weddings but doubt I'll ever get married as the thought of having to maintain a relationship like that fills me to the brim with anxiety.

You don't even think about marriage unless you're with someone who doesn't make you feel that anxiety. "Maintaining a relationship" shouldn't be something that feels like work. If it does, you're with the wrong person.

I'll chime in on the anxiety thing. This is totally true IMO. Now being insecure at times around your spouse, I think that's normal. Especially if one of you makes a life change or something happens dramatic. I've been insecure around my wife and vice versa, difference is we can talk about it and tell each other how silly we are.


The best thing about marriage is twice monthly sex. Wait...you guys do it more than that??? Don't single me out here!!!!

[psychic vampire.]

I personally don't see the appeal, but I think it might be somewhat based on my geographical location. Marriage seemed to die out with my parents' generation. My friends who have been in long relationships and even have kids, they honestly don't think about marriage. My thesis is that it's based on religion, or rather non-religion, as our demographic consists of +70% non-believers. Marriage is traditionally thought of as a Christian value here, a pact with God. Something most people might shy away from. And I would definitely rather spend the money on pedals

We do have something similar to marriage here, but I don't know the word for it. It just gives you the economical privileges that come from a marriage, but it has nothing to do with the church. It's state business. Socialism, amirite?

Edit: just what oscillateur said about Japan!

But ultimately, it's each to their own. If you think it might end up being the best day of your life, you can't put a price tag on that!

Not just generational or loctation: i am glad for all the gays i know who want to get married and finally can, but the cynical anti-authoritarian in me just sees gay marriage as an other manifestation of gayness being recuperated into the fold of normative structures and dynamics yadda yadda yadda the state blah blah religion. Also i was sent to a one gender catholic school as a kid.
Would get married to prevent my estranged family from trying to get involved if i was dying.

Also love a good party sometimes, because i am a mediocre but very confident dancer. And actually the last wedding i went to was a great night, until my uncle got into two fist fights.

[aens_wife]

I like weddings but doubt I'll ever get married as the thought of having to maintain a relationship like that fills me to the brim with anxiety.

You don't even think about marriage unless you're with someone who doesn't make you feel that anxiety. "Maintaining a relationship" shouldn't be something that feels like work. If it does, you're with the wrong person.

I respectfully disagree. I have been married almost 13 years and sometimes it is a lot of work. The great thing about it is that, if you are with the right person, the work feels worth it. People can change a lot over the course of a lifetime, and sometimes not in the same direction, so you have to readjust and get on the same page again. Sometimes it is tough, sometimes not.

[Iommic Pope]

I'm totally with Louise in this.
Anything worth doing is work, it just depends on your dedication to the relationship.

Also, there is a lot of science behind the progression of relationships and the change in brain chemistry over time that accounts for behavioural and decision making processes over time. Worth reading if you want to look into why it seems so easy to begin with but much harder when things get tough over time.
I will attempt to find some and post for actual reference later on.

[hbombgraphics]

Kindof on the Marriage is work but well worth it side of things as well,

Most of the time it doesn't seem like work but some mornings we all wake up and are pretty frigging unlovable, and on those days you have to put in some effort,
once again very much worth it but it does take some effort

[Jwar]

I guess I can see what Louise is saying. Take me for instance. I'm sure it causes my wife a certain level of anxiety that I've changed jobs more times than you can count. I'm fucking bipolar!!! What do you want from me!!! No but seriously it sucks. We've had other things happen (my fault usually) that have made things almost break apart. That's part of the journey. Pulling through thick and thin together and coming out on top. It makes you feel amazing. I love my wife more than I did the day I met her and that's saying a lot. I told her I loved her on our second date. I shit you not. I had only known her a week.

Also...what's up guys? You having more sex than me??? Why didn't anyone agree!!! LOL

[hbombgraphics]

I guess I can see what Louise is saying. Take me for instance. I'm sure it causes my wife a certain level of anxiety that I've changed jobs more times than you can count. I'm fucking bipolar!!! What do you want from me!!! No but seriously it sucks. We've had other things happen (my fault usually) that have made things almost break apart. That's part of the journey. Pulling through thick and thin together and coming out on top. It makes you feel amazing. I love my wife more than I did the day I met her and that's saying a lot. I told her I loved her on our second date. I shit you not. I had only known her a week.

Also...what's up guys? You having more sex than me??? Why didn't anyone agree!!! LOL

I just got back from a trip so I am still rolling on coming back from a business trip sex,

not sure how much everyone else is doing intercourse, but all my kids sleep all night now so that's cool.........

[bigchiefbc]

I get what you guys are saying. I guess I ascribe negative connotations to the word "work". Work is what you HAVE to do, not what you want to do. I'd agree that sometimes marriage takes effort, but it feels wrong to call it work.

[hbombgraphics]

think of work in the "no diggity" sense of the word

[aens_wife]

Also...what's up guys? You having more sex than me??? Why didn't anyone agree!!! LOL

I am having more sex than you, for sure

[bigchiefbc]

think of work in the "no diggity" sense of the word

It is impossible for me to think of "work" in anything but an extremely negative sense. A result of working at jobs that I fucking loathe for my entire adulthood.

[hbombgraphics]

think of work in the "no diggity" sense of the word

It is impossible for me to think of "work" in anything but an extremely negative sense. A result of working at jobs that I fucking loathe for my entire adulthood.

sorry boss, I know the word can have negative connotations, maybe effort is a good substitute.

[casecandy]

Good thread!

Me, I'll've been married 8 years on July 19th. We've been together over 10 years. My son turned 2 today, actually! Still very happily married. Agree with aens_wife that it can be a lot of work to make a relationship work.