ilovefuzz.com

If you can't be bothered to proofread, I can't be bothered to give you a meaningful critique.

D.o.S. wrote:If you can't be bothered to proofread, I can't be bothered to give you a meaningful critique.

It's not the proof reading, I could appreciate that. It's the condescending context of what you typed regarding my apprehension to share.

whiny
bitchy
judgy
grumpy
bored
netpeople

D.o.S. wrote:

nieh wrote:Sleeping Pills

I was reading this. I realized. I saw every sentence starting with I.

Just sayin'.

exactly as I was saying... it's so easy, but it takes just a bit of focus and thinking to defeat that habit

psychedelicrelic wrote:

D.o.S. wrote:If you can't be bothered to proofread, I can't be bothered to give you a meaningful critique.

It's not the proof reading, I could appreciate that. It's the condescending context of what you typed regarding my apprehension to share.

'Sall good brah. No malice intended.

DarkAxel wrote:

D.o.S. wrote:

nieh wrote:Sleeping Pills

I was reading this. I realized. I saw every sentence starting with I.

Just sayin'.

exactly as I was saying... it's so easy, but it takes just a bit of focus and thinking to defeat that habit

Often, when you see that sort of thing, it stems from the fact that when you're telling a story phonetically each sentence tends to start with the subject (in this case, it's I). Not to mention sustaining a first person narrative can be a bitch unless you start interjecting thoughts and observations that don't have much to do with the character.

I.E.

"Damn," I thought, "That Czech guitarist has a beard like Lincoln." Does he enjoy the cinema? Does he exclusively enjoy the film from the furthest seat back, propped firmly against the wall to avoid the John Wilkes Booth types? I stirred my cocktail with the always-emasculating pink umbrella and waited for my fuzzy fries to arrive in the mail.

Or for example

instead of "she reached for..." you can write "her hand reached for..." or something similar personification of inanimate objects also helps

i haven't written much in a while, but there is a few years of work on this link:
http://samzadgan.posterous.com

enjoy!

Death, a funny thing
The ministries it doth bring
for when the scythe might swing
when we hold hands and sing
a dirge of woe and unfulfilling
when will the church bell ring?
only heard by ghosts lingering
drifting through the land crying
of what is no more and fading
death is a funny thing

I knew I was lost
when my lips were upon yours,
Tasting the warm ice of your breath.

I drew maps on your neck
With the points of my mouth
To find my way back,

The cardinal rose
Leading me southward
Into the valley of death.

But! Before journey's end
You fell through my fingers
With those carved routes,
Like rose colored milk
That I could not drink

I tongue the stains you left behind
Stranded
And ravening


...AKA I really wanna bang you

The will of man succeeds needs of mowed grass and his neighbors weeds. Ill-built unfunded forestries unseen in travels between A's and B's, stories of forgotten rock quarries and buildings erected out of stone-cold insincere sorrys. Distant depths of glistening stars dropped from eyes, no sight, no "why's." Age makes dreams float on beyond the sky. No more wants. No more try's.

So I came across this project by a guy named Benedict Smith where he wrote a haiku for ever girl he ever slept with.

Those are great.

Blackened Soul wrote:Death, a funny thing
The ministries it doth bring
for when the scythe might swing
when we hold hands and sing
a dirge of woe and unfulfilling
when will the church bell ring?
only heard by ghosts lingering
drifting through the land crying
of what is no more and fading
death is a funny thing

Good! Nice use of rhyme and meter man. Love it.

The problem with religious people is that their promises to God mean more than to living human beings, substituting religion for morality, faithless. Take away their people and it won't mean much anymore. You don't see many lonely zealots; it's extra, unnecessary. Or you do, because it's all they have left.

kbithecrowing wrote:So I came across this project by a guy named Benedict Smith where he wrote a haiku for ever girl he ever slept with.

So I did this a while ago.
I'm going to redo it soon I think.

1. "You are a virgin.
Trust me, we will have the time."
You were late for work.

2. With blood drawn, through nights
of ecstasy, I learned
how two become one.

3. Everything was so
complicated; I wish we
had a second chance.

4. We were drunk as our
exclamations passed through
the open window.

5. You felt love for me
but I couldn't feel a thing
when you shut your eyes.