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dubkitty wrote:i have no further interest in having my life dictated by someone who is primarily motivated by their own interests with the implicit thteat of abandonment, and will not deal with anyone if it's not 100% on my terms. take me as i am or leave me be. sadly, i've never seen a relationship that's based on mutual acceptance...they always expect you to adapt to them. fuck that. i don't have much time left and will bloody well have things my way for the remaining years. better to be alone than to sacrifice your soul to make someone else happy when they'll knife you in a second if you truly disagree. now it's going to be MY way or the highway, and i'm totally comfortable with that. which is not to say i'm happy about it, but i get to come first sometime.

This reminded me of the first part of this article http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-tru ... er-person/

But yes I too suffer from this season and last year was probably thinking like you are now, this year is marginally better though because of two simple things... shrooms and therapy.
Hatred is exhausting and all encompassing and only ends up hurting you with depression, exhaustion, guilt and all those lovely other negative emotions that are easy to wrap your self in but ultimately unfulfilling, it achieves literally nothing but reinforcement in anything but the short term. Love (or call it another word, depending on what you define love as) and openness gets you adventure, fun, fulfilment, basic needs being met, achievements, hope yada.

Anger, while useful, depends how you use it, gotta have an outlet for it whatever form that may take.

too hard to copy/paste/quote on the phone.

no, i don't want to dictate anyone else's experience. i just want to get to be me without having to answer to someone else's expectations.

i guess "love" and other such things have disappointed me/broken my heart/left me alone so many times that i just don't believe any more. after my second wife divorced me out of the blue by coming home with an armed security guard and dropping a sheaf of papers in my lap i said that my life was over, i had died, and that though the sun still came up in the morning it didn't matter any more because it was just another day. that was 1995, and though i've kept going one way or another since then it's still true. up until then i actually believed that i could go onward-and-upward without limit, but that was when i learned that's a lie. i keep going, but honestly the only justifications i have for doing are that my cat needs taken care of--and she loves me more than any companion animal i've ever known--and that i never know if/when something groovy might surprise me. but in my heart, i know life is a mug's game, a no-win situation where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. probably i shouldn't have aired it out thus...most of the time i just tell myself it doesn't matter and try to believe it. but a girl's got to vent every so often, no?

there's also the macro version which i've referenced, which is that love inevitably gets run over by evil in the greater scheme of things e.g. the guy with the bone saw. every small advance in humanity appears to be countervailed by atrocity before it can even settle into place. America, for example, was a pretty neat idea that was compromised by genocide before it was even fully articulated. and let's not even talk about German history, right? that, it seems, is the way of the world...one step forward, two steps back. are we not men? we are DEVO. i've learnt way too much about history in my lifetime to be optimistic about the species, and way too much about humans to really trust anybody any more. i probably would not even have gone on about this at such length with a therapist cos she'd just try to argue it. my way of coping is to just try and shut out what i know and tell myself "maybe this time it'll be all right."

Sure man, vent all you want. I still love you, though.

<kiss>

dubkitty wrote:love was not bigger than Genghis Khan

I bet ol' Genghis loved his job. Waking up in the morning with a real zest and just whistling and skipping across the steppes.

also not trying to minimize the bummer you are in, just trying to have a goof and maybe make you laugh

ol' Genghis just loved to get a head. heh heh.

gnomethrone wrote:

dubkitty wrote:love was not bigger than Genghis Khan

I bet ol' Genghis loved his job. Waking up in the morning with a real zest and just whistling and skipping across the steppes.

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Plus it wasn't like everyone at the time was being all loving and peaceful to each other.. don't let the john wayne portrayal cloud your vision..

I don't know Kitteh, all the examples you gave interns of the world don't seem that way to me. In all the cases you see hate "win" something is lost. Something or someone else has to loose so I would ague that they didn't win a damn thing. Also you might have to think interns of universal love, not personal or the interactions with other hairless apes. To me using anger/hate as a reaction or a motivator is still chimp-liv'n to some extent, too smart for their own good but not smart enough to not be destructive. I don't think.. shit.. someone walked over and started talking about chili and I lost my train of thought... I... I.. don't think achievements are important as much as what you can take from something and also what insight, or joy, or amusement, or perspective you can pass on... No I don't think I made any sense there but I tried...

p.s
If hate won my hate at spellcheck pre-correcting what I am saying and changing words would make it stop

I don't know really.
It seems that in order to win hate needs to destroy so in fact it never really wins anything at all.
Now love actually has the potential to be beneficiary to the ones involved, even if it might often be temporary.
In it's own way life is temporary as well so I tend to think of it as a chain of experiences, bad as well as good.

i'm kind of into the idea of creative destruction. like a forest fire, when the existing is destroyed it creates room for new growth.

Then in that case love could actually be that, creative co-destruction of the self in order to create room for new growth.
The only possibility I can honestly think of to battle unhappiness is change.

and

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but also

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The only possibility I can honestly think of to battle unhappiness is change.

well, change, redirection (which i suppose is a subset of change), denial, and distraction all work for me at one point or another. and it's not that i don't actively work at this stuff, it's more that my desktop background of emptiness and loss is always there. if i had the space and income to support five or six cats that'd be a big help...my one cat is the happiest part of my life, better than weed, music, or (especially) sex. i was really happy when my libido 70% died in my 50s because it meant i didn't have to spend most of my time following my cock around. considering how useless i generally feel, frankly it's remarkable that i get as much done as i do.

I do both and I feel like this is the golden middle path.

Love a bunch of people, hate a bunch of things wrong in the world with a passion. I think loving people and being hurt does you better than distancing yourself from everone