Achtane wrote:I don't think there's any inherent meaning to life, but you can create a purpose for something, you know, do things that you find purpose or inspiration in.
Dude, think about all the peasants that lived back in the day. We'll be nameless like them. Their whole life, and for the most part and on an individual scale, nothing to show for it (but this isn't necessarily a negative thing). That's not to say that making your mark on human history is the end-all-be-all, though, as it's ultimately as meaningless as the life of toothless Jebediah of Shitter Hill was or whatever. It's equal. But "meaningless" doesn't mean "throwaway". Maybe. What I'm trying to say is that you're not a piece of shit or something. Pointless in the frame of a void, but not worthless?
Just try to take pleasure in the things that you do and live as fulfilling a life as you can. I guess. I'm also not trying to discount your worries as irrelevant. They are real. But maybe you can find a way to take some of the vinegar out of them.
I'm drunk and kind of forgot where I was going with this. I lost momentum. Sorry.
Anyway, you may or may not miss out on much if you got obliterated by a drunk driver, but also don't go blowing your brains out 'cause I'd miss seeing you on ILF.
Thank you for the kind words.
It means a lot.
Yeah I'm not going to kill myself because I'd rather not negatively impact the lives of my family and friends.
Even if the lives of my loved ones matter as little as my own, I'd rather let them enjoy the life they get in peace without having to scrape me off a sidewalk.
Like sure it would be easier to be nothing and being a thing is really fucking hard sometimes but I can do it for a while longer.
I have the rest of eternity to be dead so I might as well just be not dead for a while.
The only thing I care about is art and I'm a chemistry major who works at a lab and is planning to go to grad school and I can't help but think that that entire part of my life is probably bullshit that I just don't care about at all that I'm just doing so I can 'get a good job' somewhere so I can send my own kids to college someday where they can think about killing themselves while studying law or whatever.
I love chemistry, don't get me wrong, I think it's beautiful, but I don't think anything I'll ever do in that field will be important or something I will care about.
I don't know, I'm not going to drop out or anything either, because I don't have the balls to do anything other than keep moving forward.
I'm trying to find the balance between doing things that progress me toward "a 'good' future" (working in a lab, doing homework) vs. doing things that I actually think matter and give a shit about (writing music, consuming literature and music).
I guess the fact that I'm salient of what I want in my life (at least right now) is a good sign that what I want is probably within my reach.
At the same time, I don't know if I have the courage to reach out and grab at it.
Just the entire bullshit thing of taking out all these fucking loans and going through all this shit to get somewhere where I can pay more money and be more stressed for a few years and then eventually go from there to somewhere I'm probably going to hate but will 'be a good job' just seems so disheartening to me right now, I don't know if I give a shit about that at all.
I feel like there's this path expected of me and it's the one I'm taking but I feel like it's probably bullshit.
Maybe I just want to wash dishes and live in an apartment alone.
I don't know.
Existence is terrifying, and I'm rambling.
Time is a flat circle.
