by dubkitty » Thu Dec 17, 2020 7:52 pm
i should mention that i'm doing better. it would take a couple of paragraphs to explain why i'm where i'm at, but it's a point where i've realized that i can choose how i want to spend the rest of life, and who i'm going to be. i had a nice peaceful birthday with Becca, the dogs, and her family, and this afternoon i saw a new psychiatrist with a shiny new preliminary diagnosis of Bipolar 2. i'm going to do a bunch of research before i see him again next week, and we're going to sort out what to do with my medication. it might not work at all, but there's no logical reason not to give it a go.
the weird period i had after Thanksgiving really changed something in me...first i ran out of weed, then i fell down a flight of stairs and bruised a rib. they gave me tramadol as a painkiller (anything that fucks with your ribs hurts like flaming hell) so i spent over a week narcoticized to a point where i could think about things more fearlessly than usual, and then a startlingly nasty five days of withdrawal. who ever heard of an opiate pill that has your system strung out in a week? especially since i'm not even that sensitive to opiates, which generally make me sick to my stomach before they make me stagger? i know exactly what it was, cos i've had to go off prescription benzos twice and know the symptoms like the inside of my eyelids. as Iggy said, it was No Fun.
the effect of this was that after a certain period of reflection on narcotics and snacks (the Jerry Garcia Diet), i had to completely stop and reboot. i mean, EVERYTHING stopped other than that i had Penny, Becky's dog, over for a visit as my "emotional support dog" and so i had to do doggo things. and now i have to figure out which way to go. though i'm not really going anywhere, i feel like when Bono said towards the end of the Rattle and Hum tour that "we have to go away for awhile and reinvent ourselves." i'd already been contemplating some big changes which i've talked about elsewhere on here, but i'm looking at the possibility of a long and uncomfortable transition. on the other hand, the new pill might light up the daylight and the moon at night. i have no fucking idea at all. but at least i feel like i'm doing something and moving in a positive direction. now if the fucking Fender Lead II would get here...