Depression rears it's ugly head again

[actual]

deleted cause J probably saw it and it doesn't need to be public record
I wish you the best. Don't leave.

[coldbrightsunlight]

One day at a time is right. You can get through this, it sounds like you're making the right choice to speak to a professional and stop taking stuff. Try to go to the gym, exercise can really help mental health, it certainly has kept me going at some times in my life when I've been depressed. Don't think you're a burden on us dude, I for one would be sad to see you go but I just want you to get healthy and happy.

[$harkToootth]

One day at a time brother. That's all you can do. Time can only go forward so after a succession of good days, you'll eventually look back and see you dug yourself out of this rut (because I have 100% belief you can get yourself out of this ).

However you are thinking right now...keep it up. Start moving. You can do it brother!

[Paul_C]

Wow, you have my sympathy as I know all too well that depression isn't a fun time.

I won't bother with my story as it's nothing special, but I'm almost full to the brim with anti-depressants and still feeling pretty miserable.

The one thing that's currently providing a happy place is goofing around with pedals that do unconventional things, which is why I've popped up again on ILF after a gap of a couple of years.

If nothing else I've picked up a CT5 and a Rainbow Machine (soon ) which are doing a fine job of taking me somewhere better

I wish you all the best with everything, especially the Kratom, which sounds nasty - my distraction of choice used to be alcohol, but this time round I've kept well away from it, so I haven't put on huge amounts of weight and don't wake up feeling like crap every day.

Take care, and hopefully 2018 will see things improve.

[jrfox92]

He recommended me weaning myself off the Kratom (don't take it, just don't) and I tried for a week then threw it in the fucking garbage.

Whoa, I just saw this, too: FDA warns of injury, death with herbal supplement kratom

[PeteeBee]

Sorry Adam, that's a lot of life to be all happening at once. I know that I really enjoy your presence on here and am sad that it feels like such a negative space. Sending positive thoughts and prayers! Just such hard shit.

[Jwar]

Thanks guys, once again.

I read that article this morning as well. Guess it was a sign.

I've been off that shit for two days, and it's ok. I'll get through this.

The other stuff will all be something I can get through as well.

I don't know how perspective people are to this but I had an ILFer PM me a few months back (sorry I don't recall who) and they were asking if I was still struggling with the Kratom addiction. I think I may have said no, which was a lie but it was mainly one I was telling to myself.

If the DEA and FDA want some testimony, I'll give it to them. This shit ought to be illegal. It's almost worse than any other drug I've done and I've done a lot.

So I feel you on the coke front. I used to do a LOT of coke when I was younger. It was not good.

I've been an addict off and on for like 20 years.

I was legitimately clean from everything for about 6 years. I feel as if I cheated myself..

However, I stayed away from alcohol and that's not something to balk at I suppose. My doctor even said that it's good I didn't go back down that path, though I was tempted many times.

I need to learn stress management. I'm hoping he'll help me again.

A new Adam will be born out of the ruins and I know I'll be ok. I'm just one lucky fucker to have such a good support system, here and in real life.

[waltdogg]

fuck man.

edit: i've been binging on klonopin a lot these past few months. made a lot of rash decisions/purchases and am pretty much dead broke as well. $600+ in the hole not counting however much i still owe on my car. oh and i got a fat parking ticket the other night too. all my own fault from being fucked up all the time. and now i feel like everything is crashing down on me.

[goroth]

I have nothing helpful to contribute but a bunch of



For Adam and Walt.
And anyone else who needs one.

[drolo]

I think everybody needs a few more

[drolo]

and another round







(limited to 20 hugs per post ... WTF?? unlimited hugs for everyone!! )

[Iommic Pope]

I think everybody needs a few more

Damn straight.

[Jwar]

fuck man.

edit: i've been binging on klonopin a lot these past few months. made a lot of rash decisions/purchases and am pretty much dead broke as well. $600+ in the hole not counting however much i still owe on my car. oh and i got a fat parking ticket the other night too. all my own fault from being fucked up all the time. and now i feel like everything is crashing down on me.

I am also a klonopin addict. I only take what I'm allowed to take (the max dosage some days) but I know it's a crutch. Benzo's are one of the hardest fucking things to get off of. You become so dependent on them it's insane. Mentally and physically.

Last time I kicked klonopin it was in rehab. I was in the detox unit longer than the heroin addicts because of the withdraw from it.

My psychologist is going to help me get off this shit too once I'm away from the Kratom long enough.

I've been on klonopin this time around for 5 years. That's every single day for 5 years straight. I started taking it again after my dad got cancer. I had a mental break and could not handle things anymore. My doctor prescribed it knowing that it was an issue before (even though I never abused it, it's still an issue). She was just trying to help me.

I take 2 mg at the most a day. What's crazy is I'm high functioning at that dosage. It literally does not affect me anymore.

Again, one day at a time. The pyramids weren't built in a day and I can't be either.

[Jwar]

Oh and thanks for the hugs.

[waltdogg]

hugs were much needed. yup i’ve been on 2-4mg a day for almost two years now. i think. yeah it’s been two years at least since my breakdown. for someone who’d rather just get high from cannabis the addiction/physical dependence on kpins and the fact my insurance completely covers my rx. it’s just so easy to abuse. oddly enough i stay functional as well. high tolerance plus addictive personality = not good. you can be going around blacked out and not even know it. like just last night i put a $360 tattoo on my credit card. i’ll be able to pay it off but i’m now realizing that $600+ of debt just turned into ~$1000+