snipelfritz wrote:Also in this timeline: I was five minutes away from home when simultaneously I get the sudden need to shit and Foreigner's Urgent comes on the radio.
When i was a little boy I had to walk to my little league fields, it was maybe two miles from my house? Mile and a half? Something like that. Anyways,t his was in the time of dinosaurs, when children could walk to places without parents, unattended.
So, I'm like halfway there and I have to suddenly shit. Like Quatto is angry, and the cramps are there and the overwhelming massive shit is welling inside you. So, I know I'm not going to make it, so I turn around and start heading back to my house (it's closer, adn even at like 9 years old I knew that public restrooms were gross).
Well, it's clear I'm not going to make it. I'm not even going to make it bqack to my friend's house which is significatnly closer, its gonna go down now. So, I'm in the middle of the suburbs, y'know, there's houses everywhere and lots of cars and WTF am I going to do?
I get smart. I ditch into a drainage culvert I'm about to cross and slip under the bridge that is over it, pull down my shorts and unleash this massive, stinking foetid mess. My ass is like a softserv machien from hell, it's one constant long incredibly filthy creamy log, and I'm squatting under a bridge like a hobo just droppign this nightmare.
Well, I finish, and clean up s best I can adn then high tail it for duder's house where I can vacate anything left and clean up. Behind me, just under teh bridge, is this perfect little pile of feces. Like that fucking emoji the kids all buy toys of. Round and sort of pyramidal and spiralling up with a perfect little curled whip top.
Admittedly, this is like 35 years ago, I may be embellishing the photogenical-ness of this turd. Or not.
So, I'm at duder's house cleaning up, and then I go back to complete my trip to little league. As I'm crossing this fucking bridge again, there's like 10 little fucking kids all just dancing around in the culvert where I jsut got done defiling mother earth, and I look down and ask, "What's going on?"
And with fucking eyes like saucers they say, "You should see the size of this dog's poop! It' must've been huge."
And lo, these children were in fucking awe of my product. ALmost like a fucking cargo cult of feces. They were in awe, poking it with sticks and fucking giddy.
I didn't tell them it was mine.
I sucked at baseball.
In other news, for over 30 years I've harboured a crush on the redheaded chick from Iron Maiden's "Women in Uniform" video: